Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don�t know what it is, call it an �issue��

If you don�t know how it works, call it a �process��

If you don�t know whether its worth doing, call it an �option��

If you don�t know how it could possibly be done call it a �challenge� or an �exciting opportunity��

If you want to confuse people, ask them about �customers��

If you don�t know how to do something, �empower� someone else to do it for you�

If you can�t take decisions, �create space� for others to operate�

If you need a decision, call a �workshop� to �network� and �ground

the issue�, followed by an �awayday� to �position the elephant in the room� and achieve �buy-in��

Never criticize or boast, call it �information sharing��

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a �positive learning experience��

Never argue, have an �adult conversation��

Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...

If you can�t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights�

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt�

Don�t be irreplaceable, if you can�t be replaced, you can�t be promoted�

It doesn�t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you�ve done and what you�re going to do�

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before�

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get�

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat�

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day�

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves�

If at first you don�t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it�

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office�

Keep your boss�s boss off your boss�s back�

Everything can be filed under �pending.��

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour�

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy�

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn�t the work he/she is supposed to be doing�

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail�

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it�

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk�

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn�t�

If it wasn�t for the last minute, nothing would get done�

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying�

When you don�t know what to do, walk fast and look worried�

Following the rules will not get the job done�

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules�

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, �How would the Lone Ranger handle this?��

No matter how much you do, you never do enough�

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong�