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| Hangover Ratings
Does any of this sound somewhat familiar? 1 star hangover * No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your
sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole
lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are
craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries. 2 star hangover ** Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but
something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug
to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked
havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about
the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all
you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk
e-mails. 3 star hangover *** Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl
walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin
shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good
Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you
haven't peed once. 4 star hangover **** Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your
boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars),
your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein 5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of
Hell) ***** You have a second heartbeat in your head which
is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems
pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up
against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid
vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give
a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva
and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take
the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an
option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers
think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is
breathe....very gently.
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